he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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