there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Sext me about skeletons
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
