i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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