She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just blew my weed a kiss
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
