I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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