We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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