You smell like a Billy Joel song
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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