Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
