dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
