You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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