the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
