I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
