it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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