ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
