Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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