you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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