I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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