I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
