we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
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im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
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