I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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