she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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