he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
