He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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