I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
