Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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