life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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