he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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