"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
His nipple licking is glorious
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