i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
