the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
