paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
