It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
