Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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