if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
