So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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