So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
