The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
