Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize