you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
