well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
