where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
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Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
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There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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