you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
