I accidentally had phone sex last night
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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