It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I still have a little drunk in my system
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.