hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"