I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?