I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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