guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
