you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
