I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
