i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Randomize
