I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
