I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
