So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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