I'm going to jail i love you
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
