Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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