Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
