nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
