I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
