Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
