Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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