i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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